A relationship is rarely just the one who dance on roses, where you bathe each other in the spring water, and love. A relationship is also a contentious, complicated fight, where two persons ‘ patterns, tilknytningsstil, experiences, dreams and desires coming up against each other.
Conflicts are inevitable. When we open and show who we are, we become vulnerable. What determines whether these conflicts are destructive or edifying, is largely about how you react in them:
Some go from mild irritation to DEFCON 5 in a moment, where the little discussion ends with threats of divorce.
But there is an approach to conflict, which is even more destructive: Retiring silence. The silent treatment.
It explains psychologist Kathy McCoy.
the Silence can be aggressive, as if you refuse to communicate with their partner for days, and it can be more passive with restraint, avoid to engage in a discussion, because you are konfliktsky. The silence can be as loud as the thunder.
the Problem, it is, among other things, that the silence can be misunderstood, like you don’t care, or as manipulative behavior.
It is wishful thinking to believe that the conflict will go over just because one withdraws. The conflict trickles down in parforholdets foundation, where it develops into anger and bitterness, and the partner can then increasingly respond with even more direct expression of anger and frustration to be heard.
the Distance between you increases. And nothing resolved.
you Can know the recognize the pattern? Then you can do this, according to McCoy:
Out of your comfortzone! How many times have you not heard this mantra before and thought, it is easier said than done.
We learn our konfliktløsningsmønstre as children, but if these patterns are inappropriate, we can in fact even change them.
It would certainly feel uncomfortable to begin with. But remember konfliktskyhed enough is nice in the short term, but in the long term, you lose – and your girlfriend.
Came on the scene, and give expression for your sense, Let your partner understand that you hear what they say, and that you know that you wont be shut down by conflict, but that you also would like to try to change it. Ask for help for it.
If it is rather your partner who has the habit to withdraw and the meeting conflicts with the silence and isolation, you can try to ask the person to leave this time, but in a way that gives space:
Say: ‘I know it is hard for you. However, try to be in here with me. We need to all about it here and solve the problem. I really need to find out about it here.’
It would probably also help if you turn down your konflikteskalering and tone of voice, and LISTENING.
Sexperterne – 23. aug. 2016 – pm. 22:30 How to avoid mindfucke yourself and your
Tell that you want to talk, when you have fallen down a bit, or when I have time to focus.
The important thing here is that both parties shows that you are addressing the problem.
the very fact that you express clearly that you are willing to do anything to save the relationship, no matter how difficult for you is important.
if you have the desire to escape into the silence (or punish with it), you know that it is devastating in the long run.
So don’t be too proud to speak and not to speak with a therapist.
Remember that your relationship (hopefully) are the conflicts, the discomfort and dramaerne worth it. It will get much worse if you push it all down under the carpet.
Conversely, it is great opportunity to get even closer to each other, when you dare to open up, show who you are and take your discussions.
