Hi! We are a family who live several hours away from our parents. They are both in the 70s. Dad is multisjuk and require a lot of care and medical treatment at home. Mom does what she can on their own, the rest is managed at the hospital. She mentions often that she feels a prisoner in the home but refuses, despite it receiving help in the form of home care or residential care.
Every phone call with my mom empties into the how pity it is about her and the lass, she gets to draw. Our family consists of, among other things, medically trained, we are trying to give advice and tips on how mommy can facilitate their situation. Every thing we propose, waving her away as impossible.
We understand the mother’s need to talk, but it is difficult to get to a constructive discussion. She echoes the same things over and over again without getting anywhere. Suggestions for a her, where she can talk about their thoughts and feelings are met with horrified exclamations.
either some special friends to hang out with. We have all seen how she almost suffocates people with attention if someone is friendly. A couple of us siblings have gently pointed out that just because you drank coffee once, it does not mean that the person immediately wants to know her innermost thoughts, or for that matter meet every day. Mother does not understand what we mean, and react with tears. This leads people to pull away, and all she really wants is a friend.
We understand that life did not turn out as the mother desired. She had children and became a housewife, even though she really wanted to work. She complains often that we are siblings ”absolutely free received our educations and that she indeed never have got anything at all. We all fought hard with studies and later work does not go in. She seems to believe that she is the only one who have met misfortunes in life. And now life is once again unfair to her when my father is ill and she is put, against his will, to take care of him.
How are we supposed to help our parents in this situation? Neither mom or dad feel good. We four siblings have tried to help with what we can but it is difficult to be of assistance at a distance.
Hi! You and your siblings are experiencing in relationship to your parents is, unfortunately, a very common problem. Counselors and administrators within the care of the elderly describe it as you now are with if as one of the most difficult challenges that adult children have to relate to when the parents become older and older and receive a growing need of support and care.
I will discuss about how your mother may be able to get the discussion support as she seems to be in so great need of. The role of the wife and next of kin to a multisjuk it is, of course, difficult in many ways – as the grief of how it has become the concern that not enough, and the anger over how unfair it is that it has become so here in the end of life. Something that feels so urgent to talk about, but also so hard to sometimes find the words and be understood in.
seems to be her strong desire to be able to talk about this closest to her, when she is in the relationship you end up in a ”ältande” that weary you. And when she is boundless with the other when an opportunity for conversation seems to be.
Let me start by telling you about the knowledge that is available within the äldrepsykologin about why it sometimes gets such a long and arduous process before the elderly say yes to home help and home health care, or to move into retirement homes. A circumstance that seems to help is that many older people see themselves as survivors, they are thinking that if we survived this far in life so we can us a while to on your own. It is about the self-image you have and cherish, and perhaps also in the fairly high degree of pride.
In a marriage where one is old, gets sick, and needs more and more assistance and care, it sometimes becomes difficult and almost painful for the other to be able to see and accept that the husband or the wife now is a sick and needy person. To receive care in the home can be experienced as the final confirmation of how bad it has become. And that the wife or the husband has become a vårdobjekt feels unworthy, similarly to something that has been such an important part of life, a true close relationship of two adults in between, definitely over. To self care the second can sometimes be perceived as a better option, despite all the pressures that it brings – when in the care continues to be near and unique to each other, physically and emotionally. As a way to ”live with each other”.
a feeling of unease in the face of frequent visit in the home of the home help service and home health care shall make the home not a long time feels like a home, but as an institution. As a family member you may feel that you are losing control of both their daily lives and their home.
Understand me right, I share your assessment that it would be a positive change for your parents if they received help in the home. What I mentioned may still can increase the understanding for your mother’s behavior, which is seen from the outside, appears to be the closest to altruism, and to be something to weigh in and relate to in your further talks.
But how will you then be able to get the constructive conversation that you want to have with your mother if maybe it still is reasonable to say yes to home help and home care? One thing that you do not take up in your letter is your dad’s opinion on the matter. Basically it is your father’s need of care to determine what care to be done in the home, not your mother’s desire to abstain.
if both your dad and your mom sees the wisdom in getting more help. Is it that your dad is able to express their own wishes, I believe that it is reasonable that you invite him also to explore the advantages and disadvantages of both to let it be as it is, and to accept help in the home. I have a suggestion to get a more constructive conversation about this between you.
What I propose is done in a fyrfältstabell, and is an element of it that within the motivationspsykologin called to have a “listening” and “induction” – style call to change something that you are hesitant about. The focus is on that which it touches will get the opportunity to find their own reasons to change, and begin to see the solutions to the difficulties concerned.
Draw the take-up table with the four fields on a piece of paper. Enter in box 1 (top left), which is good with how it is now. Continue and type in the box below, box 2, it is less good with how it is (in your parents ‘ case, not having help at home). Then go over to the box 3, to the right of the box 2, and of the type in which the difficulties with the help in the home as your parents are concerned. Stop in the box above, in box 4, write it as you would still be able to be good with homecare and nursing, just totally hypothetically. It is just a matter of exploring, not a decision in any direction.
Often, this works as you sow a seed, opens new perspectives, which will be a good basis for further talks. Was clear that it is not your way of looking at it as the mapping is all about, without your mother’s, and maybe also your dad’s. Tell me if this way and the idea for your mother, but let them do this on their own. Say that they are happy after a while to tell you what came up to.
if your mom’s need to be listened to, and how difficult it is to be understood in many ways for her. My advice is that you advise her about the Family association and Anhöriglinjen, 0200 239 500. Here is the opportunity to receive support and guidance, and to ”just” be listened to.
Liria
