“”The infidelity is not about sex””
“Relationsgurun Esther Perel about his new book – and why it hurts so much to be deceived”
“This is a kulturartikel which is a part of Aftonbladet’s opinionsjournalistik.”
“Where just a few hours, it is time for tv recording. It will be somewhat surprising not to be particularly good. In the studio at Skavlan will parterapins global superstar appear to be easily manic, a far cry from the concentrated look which gave her the miljonpublik the world over.”
“But here, in a mattgrått meeting room at the nice hotel, it appears to Esther Perel with the presence recognizable from her TED talks and from the much talked about pod, ”Where should we begin?”, where the audience gets to follow along with straight into in a real live parterapi-session.”
“– Nothing I say is new or earthshaking. The power of my message is that I say what everyone knows but dare not admit. “
“the fact that the needs that we have in a relationship is incompatible. On the one hand, stability, permanence and routine. On the other hand, surprise, mystery and wonder.”
“– It requires no genius to see that the two things are pulling in the same direction. But I articulate it.”
“the Latest book is called ”Kärlekskris – go on after infidelity”, a continuation if you will of the last the title of ”the Desire – keep the coals alive in long-term relationships”. “
“Esther Perels standard is that infidelity does not have to mean that something is wrong. She explains: Relationsidealet in the day is a meeting between kindred spirits, that I find the one that is everything to me. When I am done there is no reason to search elsewhere. If I still do it, there must be something missing with us, or with you. “
“and you’ll see the usual train of thought. “
“But infidelity is in a far higher degree than what we think either about the relationship or about the other. “
“– Infidelity is often the case that you want to leave the you become. Infidelity is not about sex, but sex is the language through which the exploration of the self takes place.”
“In the center of Esther Perels both its own analysis and the enormous success as a therapist is the romantic love’s unique position. Much has been written and said about how romantic love has replaced religion in the modern, secular society. “
“Esther Perel completely agree.”
“– Romantic love is one of the few ideologies and philosophies from the 1800’s that consisted. It is where people are looking for meaning, belonging and transcendence. The spiritual and the relational has melted together.”
“The established kärleksrelationen is still the rite de passage which, in particular, women have to undergo in order to get the agents needed to get access to the different interaction of the spheres.”
“Thus it is not surprising that otroheten hurts so much today. To be deceived is to be destroyed, ” says Esther Perel.”
“” Once, we chose partners for economic reasons and on the basis of social status. Mate choice in the day is that I will be selected because I’m special and authentic. Therefore it becomes infidelity so devastating. It means that my basic identity is threatened.”
“Motstrategin can te given. If the root of otrohetens devastating effect is our way to pursue life’s whole meaning to the romantic love, then should the path to change is to seek meaning in other places. “
“of Course,” says Esther Perel. In theory. She often talks to broaden the spectrum when it comes to the search for meaning and purpose. A rich life includes professional aspects, family, social network, and commitment to others. “
“But in many places, you must be married or living in a relationship in order to have access to all of this, she says.”
“– The established kärleksrelationen is still the rite de passage which, in particular, women have to undergo in order to get the agents needed to get access to the different interaction spheres. “
“Strikingly, many of your listeners are young. A large part of your audience also consists of men. What is the explanation?”
“– A majority of my listeners are between 25 and 34 years. It is because today’s relationships involve constant negotiations and need guidance in it. Many young children with divorced parents, and have few role models.”
“the Men then, why will they? Terapisoffan has traditionally not been the man’s favoritmöbel. Esther Perel lets in addition clients to be in front of an audience.”
“The areas that seemed a given for the man is not there anymore. Thus, doubt is also the biological given.”
“the Secret is that she thinks ”mansvänligt,” she says.”
” I do not require a feminization of intimacy and I do not think that the only way to experience intimacy is through talking. Women do not have access to their body, they have been able to develop the words as the main language for closeness. But the men denied often a whole spectrum of emotions. The only way they can get access to these emotions is through body language. “
“today is the man in focus for the debate. We are talking about manlighetens crisis and about toxic masculinity. How do you see the debate?”
“– for large parts of history, woman has been the great mystery. Masculinity was given and apparent. So did the woman’s entrance into man’s domains. The spaces seemed a given for the man is not there anymore. Thus, doubt is also the biological given.”
“Then we begin to realize that masculinity may deceive himself,” says Esther Perel. Perhaps it was not so given to begin with. Maybe it is, on the contrary, an identity which constantly must be defended and proved. And if that is the case, perhaps the man is more vulnerable than strong. “
” I think that it’s never been more important for men to define what is modern masculinity. What is it like to have ”power to” but not ”power over”? What is it to be assertive but not aggressive? To experience its effects without having to become a predator?”
“Women have had 50 years to rethink its identity, says Esther Perel. Men have not had the opportunity. At the same time, women must now reconsider its relationship to men. “
” Women’s lives will not change until men join, and men’s lives will not change until women are honest with what they want.”
“It is an interesting time in history,” she says. Esther Perel reason happy to tidsandans impact on love and relationsmönster. Terapisoffan is a place in constant contact with the external dislocations. “
“Behind the interest of her private history. Both of her parents are förintelseöverlevare, and Esther Perel saw as a child how the big events have a bearing on the most personal issues. Why do we want to live? And what gets some of us to give up the will?”
” I’ve always had a kind of ear for how people grapple with the existential riddles.”
